Elaine White's Life in Books

*NOTE: I DNF'D THIS AT 26%*
I'm writing a review, only to explain why I DNF'd it. I didn't go any further in my reading, so I can't comment on what came after 26%.
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Cover – Meh. Okay.
POV – 3rd person, 1 character
Would I read it again – No.
Genre – LGBT, Crime, Contemporary


** I WAS GIVEN THIS BOOK, BY THE AUTHOR, IN RETURN FOR AN HONEST REVIEW **


WARNING! WARNING! SARCASM AHEAD.


I've seen a lot of rave reviews about this series, which encouraged me to read it. However, I feel like I'm some kind of anomaly, because I didn't get it. At all.

Within two chapters, I could see that I wasn't going to like it. For me, Skyler was narcissistic, racist and sexist. I'm saying that it's Skyler, but to be quite honest, I'm not sure if it's the “character” or the author's opinions, because they were littered throughout the story, the character's words and actions, as well as the side characters thoughts and actions. Because of that, it's hard to tell “who” is responsible for the parts that I hated most.

I'm going to bullet point and use quotes to explain what's wrong:

The Writing:

Contradictory - “He wasn't much older than they were.” Yet, the very next sentence says that there are 10 years between him and his students.
Strange word choices -
“Skyler couldn't stop the usual perusal of the nearly six foot tall cop in his tight black shirt and trousers.” ← So, either it's usual because he does it all the time, because he knows the guy (so why introduce himself in the next paragraph?) or he's just so slutty that he checks out every cop in a uniform?
“Quit this tricking shit.” which doesn't work for me. Trick is a word that implies being an escort of hooker, not regularly hooking up with one night stands.
“She made a moue and pulled him into her arms.” ← Or, you could just say pout. Because, really? You don't need to tell us that it's to convey annoyance or distaste, because that should be obvious in the showing of the characters actions.
Klatches? No idea what that is, but apparently it's an American thing.

Racist:
“Crazy, crazy bastard. That was the last time he picked up a foreigner.” Seriously? He's blaming a criminal incident on Rodolfo being foreign.
“You do know you're not a black man, right?” What has listening to Motown music got to do with a person's race/colour? Telling someone that they can't enjoy Motown music because they're not black is so ridiculously racist.
“A tall wiry black man with a colorful knit Rasta cap fussed with his apron behind the counter. Skyler walked up to him and smiled. “Hi, Cashmere.
“Skyler,” said the man with a buttery Jamaican accent.
[…]
“[...] ya nuh see?”
“He always wondered if his name really was Cashmere Funk. It sounded more like a stripper's name. Or a new line of sweaters.”
“Takes a stout heart, laddie.”

Sexist:
“She smelled like Herbal Essence shampoo. He liked that about her. It was something a teenager might use,” ← So, only teenagers are allowed to smell of shampoo or use Herbal Essence? That's ridiculous.
“She was attractive in an athletic sort of way and was the girls' PE teacher and volleyball coach.” ← I don't even have to say what's wrong with that.
“I thought I was picking something cool.” “For a gay man or a teenaged girl.” ← Since when has a VW Bug been for gay men or teen girls, only?
“Skyler pulled into a place next to a black Viagra-type truck, the kind too big for itself. The Ford Compensator, as Jamie liked to call them. He got out of his car the same time Keith Fletcher leapt out of the truck.
Truck. Hetero, he lamented.”

Clueless:
In terms of the crime, no one in the story has any idea what they're doing. Sidney, the supposed Detective, contaminates her gloves at a crime scene; the cops miss VITAL evidence at the victim's home, leaving behind valuable clues that they allow the parents to hand out to anyone, willy nilly. Then they, miraculously, wind up in the hands of nosy Skyler. Oh, and did I mention that Detective Airhead took Skyler to a DEATH NOTIFICATION? Seriously? And, I guess if she did that, it's only natural that Skyler was allowed to accompany her to the MORGUE where the father made the identification. Because that's totally normal.

~

Characters:

For me, Skyler was arrogant, insipid, narcissistic and incredulous. Rude, egotistical, selfish and vain. He whines so much in two chapters that I quite happily would have stopped reading here. He's also really slutty. And apparently everyone has to bear their soul to him if they've known him up to a month, because it seems that it's not normal otherwise. Every time he so much as sniffs a male presence in the room, there's a long winded comment about how virile or attractive or completely droolworthy they are.

Sidney is the cop without a clue. She's also the token fag-hag female, who is more butch than the men and a complete air head at the same time. Jamie is your token, quintessential gay man, flouncy, tech geek and slutty. Philip is the only decent, serious character, while being a trained lawyer and barista, as well as really weird. Rodolfo is made to appear like a crazy stalker, weirdo freak. Then constantly made fun of for being “foreign”. Keith is just a little weird and creepy, but really judgy.
But isn't it so handy that Skyler, the wannabe Miss Marple, just so happens to have old flames, best friends who are useful to him? A detective, lawyer, a barista (because coffee is fuel), a hacker/tech guy, a sports coach who studies biology and Rodolfo, who is no doubt just there for eye candy.
(handy for a guy who wants to investigate crime)– lawyer, serious, weird.

Oh, and all of this ^ is only from the first twenty percent.

~

If I could sum up everything I've read so far, it would be real easy – Skyler is a horrible main character; a judgy, vain, egotistical bitch, who digs his nose in where it isn't wanted and is somehow praised for it. The crime is laughable, ridiculous and insipid. There is NO knowledge of how police or crime scenes work, in this story (I know, because I studied it and have a cop in the family). There's intolerance towards race, sex, religion – just about everything you could ever want to NOT see insulted and degraded actually is. So, thumbs up there!

If you need to see what else pissed me off in the very small 26% that I read, I'll leave you with these quotes, which basically speak for themselves:

“God, he was gorgeous. Why did he have to be a such a lunatic?”

“The doorbell rang. He glanced at Rodolfo.
“Don't expect me to get it. I'm a guest here.”
Skyler rolled his eyes.”

“Skyler was afraid that this was going to develop into one hell of a vicious slap fight.”

“The Fuck Club, hon. Or S.F.C. for short. Skyler's best friends – us – have all started out by being his lovers. We were hook-ups. And then we weren't. And then we became friends. It's just like a move on Lifetime.”